Monday, January 9, 2012

The Very Worst Parts of Me.

During my devotional time last night, I came across this statement: "The Father is looking into every corner of your heart at this very moment and is not discouraged about you." 

I started to cry.

Because I get discouraged about me. When I think about all my weaknesses, my fears and insecurities and cowardice and doubt and selfishness and pride and complacency, I am discouraged. When I remember the mistakes I've made, and seem doomed to continue to make, I am discouraged. When I see other people bringing the kingdom of Heaven down to Earth while I sit in a classroom taking notes about William Faulkner, I am discouraged. And when I am discouraged, I do not feel like a daughter of God; I feel like a black mark on His name. The miraculous life He has called me to seems forever out of reach.

But God is not discouraged about me. He looked into every corner of my heart. He saw the weaknesses, the mistakes, the faulty comparison of myself with others. He saw it all. He didn't turn a blind eye to it, didn't pretend it wasn't there. He saw those parts of me, the very worst parts of me. But He wasn't discouraged.

That was why I was crying, smiling through the tears, staring at the sentence as if to brand it to my soul. He saw what I thought was unlovable, and said He loved me anyway. He saw the things I hated myself for, and said He still had great plans for me. He saw what made me feel like giving up, and said He never would.

No, God's not discouraged. And do you know why? Because it's not about me. It's not about my flaws or failures.

It's about Him. It's about how big He is. And He's big enough to cover it all.

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