Thursday, March 29, 2012

Snapshot of My Almost-Graduated Brain.

...What will happen tomorrow. There are so many things I have to do. Work. I hope the copier doesn't break down again. I don't know if I can focus on class today. What if I don't know the answers. What if I sound dumb. Practice piano, it always takes a long time. My day mostly over, but I have to make dinner. I don't feel like making dinner, but I should make it. What should I make. What will happen tomorrow, I don't want to think. I did some dumb things today, probably everyone thought I was dumb. I wish I could be better. There's always more homework to do, so the day's not really over. At least I don't have anywhere else to go. At least I can stay in my room. Reading, my eyes are tired, skimming. What will happen tomorrow. The world is so big, and frightening. Graduation. Looming. Everyone is preparing, but not me. I am just sitting. They say there are no jobs. There will be bills to pay. What should I do. I should finish reading. Writing, critiques, revisions. I have to shower. I have to get ready for bed. I have to go to bed. Why can't I sleep. I wish I could sleep. I wish things didn't have to change, I miss they way things were, I miss people. People I love, when will I see them again. What will happen tomorrow, what will--oh hey, God. If I could just focus on You, maybe I could sleep. Why is it so difficult. Guilt. I wonder what I should have for lunch tomorrow...

Distractions. These are only a few; my brain is full of them. Whole, detailed scenarios and conversations of disaster or bliss, relived or imagined, clogging up space, keeping me from rest. Keeping me from being still, hearing the whisper, remembering.

Hey. Take a breath. A deep one. Another. Do you know what this is? This is called being alive. Look outside. Look in the mirror. Keep looking until you see the beautiful. Hey. I love you. Even if you fail today. Even if things go wrong. Even if you get stuck, even if you make a mess. Stop freaking out when you have no control. Your worry won't change anything. Those thoughts are wheels spinning in mud and in the end you will simply collapse, exhausted and splattered brown. We keep the things we should let go of and give up the things we should hold on to. Hey. You and me. Let's do this differently.

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