Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Dear God,

Slow me down. I'm running too fast. Calm my anxious heart. Let the distractions fade, again. Come visit me in the stillness. I can't do this without You.

Daddy, I feel directionless. I don't want to walk these dead-end streets, pound these dead-bolted doors. I recognize this faceless wall, I've made this turn a thousand times before, my feet have sunk into these circles. If only I had wings, let me fly out of this labyrinth. Please, I want to arrive.

I heard it. You told me I would hear Your voice and know, and there it was; I heard You say Look up. My eyes fight gravity to find there are no shadows in the sky.


I think I am too busy conjuring metaphors, when I should just be talking to You. Maybe it seems less intellectual or original, and it probably is. But all You've ever asked for is my honesty; I'll leave the rest up to You.

God, I feel dead inside. I have moments with You, beautiful moments, and in those moments I know that You haven't forgotten me. But in between the moments, I have become pathetically apathetic. I've never been very good at this waiting deal. What I need is a massive sign, the one with the giant arrow and shiny lights, and I need it to fall from the sky and slap me in the face, thank You very much. That's not too much to ask, is it?

No. What I really need is peace. I'm so sick and tired of freaking out all the time. It's always something. Today, it's post-graduation plans. A year from now, who knows? I don't want to live my life this way, constantly worrying about the next puzzle-piece of my future. And I know You didn't intend for me to live like this. Because it's a ridiculous way to live when the God of the universe is on your side.

So that's it. My prayer. The grace to trust You in the messiest times of life, a peace that passes all sane understanding. Let the world think I've gone completely nuts. Only, hold me close to Your heart, because when I hear Your heartbeat, I am not afraid. You will unfold the plans You have for me, just in time.

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