Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Art of Invisibility.

Originally written on April 16, 2011. When I came across this, I recognized the honesty of the moment and knew I needed to share. I still remember the intense loneliness that gripped me that particular day, with little warning and for no specific reason. The following is a snapshot of my struggle.

I never meant to become invisible. Sometimes, it was a conscious effort. But mostly, I just didn't want to be rejected. And when you're invisible, you're not rejected. You're just forgotten. I didn't realize, that being forgotten is probably just as bad. Maybe worse. I didn't know I had that kind of power. I didn't know my silence was strong enough to make the world see right through me. I didn't know what it felt like to fade. If I did, maybe I would have said something.

By the time I knew, it was too late. I didn't know how to break the silence now. What I needed was someone to notice. But the problem with being invisible is, people don't. I can't blame them. I wanted to. I wanted to get angry. I wanted to scream. I wanted them to know I'm still here.

I know it's selfish. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. I didn't even know why, really. It didn't matter why I was crying. I just wanted to cry and have someone hold me. Someone who saw me. Someone who would notice if I wasn't around. Someone who wouldn't let me disappear. Someone who proved that existence was worth it.

God, I know You're there. And I hope this doesn't make You sad. It's just a feeling. I know it will pass. I know You're strong enough to hold me until it does. I know I'm not invisible to You.

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