My first mistake was to assume the pain I felt came solely as a result of the Enemy's attacks. No, I wasn't completely off; any sign of vulnerability or weakness on our part, and Satan will most definitely attempt to exploit it. Still, the past few days, when his attacks began to come on strong, I thought my job was merely to defend. To put up the shield and wait for the pounding to stop.
But last night, God spoke to me in a moment of stillness. He impressed thoughts upon me, thoughts like, Do you know where this pain is coming from, Daughter? This pain is from old wounds. Wounds that are now being given the opportunity to heal. Healing in itself is a painful process. It is your choice where you go from here. You can relive the past. Or you can be healed from it.
And it gave me such freedom. In that moment, I suddenly realized (well, remembered) that I wasn't doomed to repeat the past. I don't have to relive the same cycle of pain, just because certain circumstances in my life today parallel circumstances in my past that scarred me. I am being given a new day. I am being given the chance to do things the right way, to take what I have learned in the past and use it in the present, to trust God and keep Him at the center of my life when before I allowed myself to be distracted, caught up in my own insecurities.
I feel I am on the brink of a change too big and strange for me to even believe. I am not trying to be vague, but I hardly understand myself, yet. I don't know what it looks like. I only know it is something beautiful. That's what brought the smile to my face last night, with no one but God around to see. Because the circumstances don't matter anymore. I don't have to worry about the future, agonize over other people's choices and how they will affect me, encase my emotions in a bullet-proof wall to keep them safe. Whatever happens next, God is ready to transform into something great.
The circumstances that once turned you into a wreck will now reveal My power in you. Just keep your eyes on Me, dear one. That's what He's trying to say, I think. That's the best way I can explain it. And it gives me confidence. It gives me the strength to fight the Enemy all the more. My God has given me the opportunity for a different ending, a better one. And I'm going to fight for it.
I share this for two reasons. The first is for myself. To help me remember, because I am so quick to forget things, even the very words of God. The second is, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. These cyclic struggles, circumstances that crop up again and again, issues that Satan continues to bring up relentlessly, sometimes daily. Others don't reappear for years--but when it does reappear, you remember it at once, and the old pain returns. If you can identify with this at all, I believe God wants you to know something. He wants you to know that there is a better ending for you. And it's worth fighting for.