Thursday, December 22, 2011

Dear God,

I want to be alive again. I feel as if I broke my wings, tumbled down into a ditch too deep to climb, just as I was finally beginning to learn how to fly. Staring up at this same patch of blue sky, I remember what it tasted like, those few moments of soaring, Your body cradled under mine to keep me aloft.

I can still hear You. I know You have not deserted me here. I have even felt you, rising in me like a flood, curling my mouth into unexpected laughter. I know I am not alone.

But I don't understand why, Daddy. I don't understand what You are teaching me. Am I missing it? Do I wait or move? I have been waiting for so long. I do not know what I am waiting for, but it is all I know to do. Is it wrong? Should I be moving? Where, God? I want to be where You are. So where are You?

You promised to tell me. You said, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it,'" (Isaiah 30:21). That is why I know I do not have to be afraid. That is why, when the weight of the world crushes my frail shoulders, I think of Your face and the burden is lighter, the burden is not even there at all.

I am still learning to ignore my reality and live in Your truth. To be honest, I'm not very good at it, yet. My feelings are strong and used to getting their way, and now that they are too-often jaded and frightened, they mostly fight against me instead of for me.

Change my heart, Lord. Clean out the doubts and the cynicism, the fear and the complacency. I want to love You with all of me. Please, God. Bring me back to life.

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