From the Belly of Hell Cried I.

I want to spew out curses honest as Peter's betrayal - overflow of this black-burnt heart spat through unclean lips - four-letter nails cutting holy flesh. Screaming

this body You gave,

why, oh Potter?

Screaming hatred at the malformed clay that cages my soul - screaming hatred at me - screaming hatred at You. Screaming

how long, how long, how long

I want to (oh God, I don't want to)

wallow in

my infantile selfishness,

my petulant greed,

my suffocating shame

my

I want to (oh God, I don't want to)

close my eyes against the tides

that always 

pull me back 

to the starting line

and (let me (please don't let me))

drown.

I had a dream

I spent everything I had, kicking out against thick waters. So close

to safety, my fingers clutching the dock's splintered edge. But

my arms were far too weak to carry my own weight. And

a creature, dark and hungry, was swimming up from the depths.

...

[Epilogue]
? ? later

When the morning came,

it came with sunlight

weeping mercy.

These Thorn-Laced Crowns.

"If you are to sit with Christ upon His throne, you must go with Him through His Gethsemane." -A. B. Simpson

We are James and Johns, every one. We want the glory without the sacrifice. We want the revival without the repentance. We want the resurrection without the death. And Jesus' response to us is the same: "You don't know what you're asking. Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" (Matthew 20:22). 

And eagerly, naively, we echo the cry of the brothers who so boldly sought the throne-room: We can!

No, we don't know what we are asking. We are far too pampered to truly grasp the implications of the One who said, Sell everything you have. Hate your mother and father, your sons and your daughters. Take up your cross, daily. And follow Me. If we understood the weight of these words--of what it means to be a living sacrifice, our bodies laid upon His altar--we'd start running in the opposite direction.

But Jesus looks at our naive, eager hearts with love. He does not turn us away. He only says, with compassion spilling over in His eyes, "You will indeed drink from My cup," (Matthew 20:23).

Because, while the cost is great, the reward is greater. So though we don't know what we are asking, I pray He gives it to us anyway. For the glory of our Father's name. That His Kingdom may come, His will (not ours) be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Dear Jesus. Give us the grace to follow You.