I'm so tired, today. Probably because I haven't been sleeping well of late. Too many thoughts, circulating. Making the rounds, door-to-door, knock knock--I shout that no one's home. But I hear the knocking, all the same.
I don't know what to say. If I dug into Scripture, I'm sure I could find something. You can always find something, when you're looking. Is it terrible that it seems like too much effort at the moment?
We have to be careful, about these things. If we always act purely based on feeling, we are very sorry creatures indeed. Feelings have never been very reliable. They can be wonderful and beautiful, but that does not mean they are always true. They can be, of course. But only sometimes. I think this is what God means when He says the heart is deceitful. Partly, at least.
On the other hand, if we always act out of obligation, that is another dangerous thing. I am very good at obligations. Put it on a list, and I'll check it off. But obligations can become so very dirty, if your heart's not right. Which is sometimes a problem with me. Doing things because I'm supposed to, but on the inside I don't really mean it, on the inside I despise it. That's a little something called hypocrisy.
Then what's the answer, when your feelings and obligations don't match up? There is no answer, of course. Well, I suppose there is an answer, but I don't claim to know it. Even though I do pretend to know a lot of answers--but mostly they're just educated guesses. Mostly I'm still searching, mostly I'm still trying to figure this stuff out. Now hang on while I backpedal out of this digression.
So. Since I don't have the answer, I do a lot of praying about it. That is why I am head-over-heels in love with the prayer from Psalm 51: Create in me a pure heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Because my motivations tend to be very screwy. Yes, I want to do the right thing, but I also want to do it for the right reasons. I want to do it out of my love for God, not out of my fear of not being "good" enough. And I know that's what God wants, too.
Now I am laying here on my bed, still tired, but a little less so. Feeling a bit of contentedness, because I think God said what He wanted to. No, I didn't dig through Scripture. Sometimes that's what He tells me to do, and I'm trying to learn to do a better job of listening. Even on the tired days. But I guess this time, He decided instead to do the digging in my heart.