Rant.

(Originally written March 17, 2010. I discovered this piece among my many random Word documents. It's much more raw than most of what I post--but probably more honest because of it. I considered switching the capitalized letters to italics so you wouldn't feel yelled at, but I decided to keep the original emotion intact--the original emotion being, mostly, anger.)

I am just in one of those moods, you know. One of those moods with too many thoughts, thoughts that need an outlet, some grand weaving that glues the puzzle pieces together--do you mind if I mix metaphors? I thought about writing poetry, as it would be the most responsible use of my time. But my mind couldn't stand the thought of organizing at the moment. Even these sentences are a bit much. Reading stream of consciousness can be a pain, but it's an awful lot of fun to write. Already I'm hitting a dead end, though. It's so difficult to catch a wave, they just keep rolling over the shore, and as soon as you cup it in your hands, the water is seeping back to the sea. Another metaphor, you see. I love metaphors, but again, only if I am the one writing them. Metaphors are a tricky business. Because I wasn't really talking about waves at all, but my thoughts. Perhaps I've lost you already.

Hypocrisy is one of the things that has been on my mind lately. I wish I could rid the world of it. Starting with myself. I mean, really. We are so selfish, and on top of that are pretentious enough to lie about it. I have heard INCREDIBLE words spurt out of people's mouths. Naturally, I thought to myself: wow, what an incredible person. One day, I'd like to meet the person who actually believes the words coming out of their mouth. It's true, I'm being cynical. Yet another habit I swore I would break. I have met people who really seem to live out what they believe. And I'm not judging; like I said, when it comes to being hypocritical, I want to start with myself. Dear God, I believe...help me overcome my unbelief! I have been praying that prayer for a long time. I CLAIM to serve a God whom I SAY that I believe has the power to do the impossible. So my question is: what the crap am I doing?

My second question is: how? How do I love others? Or for that matter, how do I love myself? When I do the things I do not want to do, when I say I believe something yet don't live like it...how can I love a creature like that? Dear God, HOW?! How much longer must I tarry with myself? O unbelieving generation! All the words Jesus spoke to his disciples, I cry aloud to myself.

Daddy, you promised. Without you, I have nothing. Without you, I am nothing. Dear God, RAIN! YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU! DON'T YOU, A GOOD GOD, KNOW HOW TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS TO YOUR CHILDREN?! I BELIEVE O LORD, I BELIEVE, IN THE WORD THAT YOU PROMISED, IN THE WORD THAT YOU PROMISED...HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF! I CANNOT COME UNLESS YOU DRAW ME IN! I CANNOT BE FILLED UNLESS YOU SEND YOUR HOLY FIRE DOWN! PROVE YOUR WORD O GOD! BRING IT OUT AS GOLD IN THESE FIRES! TRUTH, TRUTH, IF IT IS TRUTH, IF YOU ARE TRUTH...then I am safe. I don't have the right words to say. God. Jesus. You are the only word I have left.