The year is nearly over, and I have never been more miserable. I have been searching for a job for months with no success. I'm living at home when I yearn to be on my own. I've watched new relationships pop up on Facebook like daisies in springtime while cradling my own broken heart. I've said goodbye to friends who moved much too far away. I'm trapped in the town where I've spent my last eleven years, and I'm beginning to fear I'll never escape. My grandpa, whom I adored, died.
And it's all because of You. Maybe if You had warned me, I would never have prayed that prayer. But I did pray it, and You took me at my word. You broke me, messed me up, led me in circles. You didn't give me an easy year, or a comfortable one.
But, my God! You gave me a year of beautiful things. You upheld me through my final semester of college. You brought my entire family together for my graduation, from across oceans and over thousands of miles, and because of that, we could all have wonderful memories with Grandpa, one last time. Even without a job, You provided me with just enough money at exactly the right times to pay my bills. You allowed me to travel, to North Carolina and Alabama and California. You gave me the opportunity to be in a dear friend's wedding, and witness a union between two people who love You and love each other more than words can adequately describe. You orchestrated events so that I could be with Grandpa during his last days on Earth, giving me more precious memories to cling to, and giving me the chance to say goodbye.
It has been a year of goodbyes. And changes, and uncertainty. And I have hated so much of it. But even in my darkest moments, I knew this could only be You. I could see Your hand at work, glimpse traces of Your goodness, the cracks I thought might shatter me forming into the beautiful instead.
Yes, if You had warned me, I might have been too afraid to dedicate this year to You. But I'm glad You didn't. Because I don't regret that prayer. Not for a second.
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