(I tend to be overly dramatic when sleep-deprived; however, in my defense, the scripture my complaint was based upon is real--Psalm 127:2.)
But last night was different. Because last night, God spoke. In an instant, His murmur swept away the swift torrent of thoughts that constantly plague me, and I found myself in The Secret Place. Looking back, I can't fully decipher all the things He said to me; it was too much for me to grasp.
Still, part of it, I know, was a glimpse of the answer to my why. He said:
I love you--yes, even at what you perceive to be your lowest, when you feel that you are doing almost nothing of worth. This is a testimony to My promise--that I do not love you for the things you do, but for who you are--who I have made you to be. Your works are not your identity--My love is. You strive so hard to define yourself, to prove who you are, but your attempts are vain, all. You must let go--this image you desire to create. This is what I meant when I said you must lose yourself to find yourself. When you give up trying to make an identity, you will suddenly be free to discover it.His words, another piece to the puzzle. During this season of my life, God is teaching me how to be loved. For it is only in learning how to be loved, unreservedly and without condition, that we can learn how to truly love in that same way. If we feel we must somehow "earn" God's love, we will require others to earn ours. But this is not love at all; it is mere selfishness. And without love, all the rest--the faith that moves mountains, the tongue that speaks with the eloquence of angels--is empty.
When God had spoken these things, and I, as far as I could, understood them, He tucked a blanket of peace around me, such as I have not felt in what seems a long time. And I slept.
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