Tidal Wave.

I glimpse their arms parting the sea with solid strokes before I slip back under, a half-gasped breath cradled in my starving lungs, and if I could keep my head above water for just a fraction longer, I might ask how it is they manage not to drown.

(I long ago lost strength to stay afloat.)

...

The world is large and full of shadows. I think the secret is (everyone knows but no one knows), we're all stumbling.

...

I once heard of a believer who built a boat, and though it rained for forty days and and forty nights, the flood could not touch him.

...

I once heard of a people who walked across the dry bed of a sea that was rolled back like a scroll, and made it to the other side.

...

I once heard of a prophet who was tossed into stormy waters, and a great fish swallowed him whole, and later spat him onto a safe shore. 

...

I once heard of a man who told the churning waves to be still, and they obeyed.

...

I once heard of a disciple who stepped on the water's swirling surface, and it held him like solid ground.

...

(I'm only trying to say, these oceans are as inevitable as they are impossible.

But even if we cannot swim, we have a God who can keep us from drowning.)

i hate everything

what if all we needed
was one day
to go absolutely
starkravingmad
knowing
at the end of that day
we would have
(undeserved)
their forgiveness
knowing
at the end of that day
we would
still
be loved

when did love become so weak

when did we learn 

to lock up

the passion when did 

we learn that we could 

never be both

we could never 

be honest if 

we wanted to be loved

I Ask the Stars.

I'm learning to take comfort in my backwards life.

I still struggle sometimes, with the desire for "normality". People with normal lives aren't questioned, cautioned, asked to justify themselves. Instead, they are applauded, praised, considered a success. Rather than having a panic attack when asked about their future, they can calmly give a response detailing their educational, financial, career, and marital goals. They know the kind of car they want to drive, the kind of house they want to live in, and have already begun a college fund for their 1.5 children.

And when my own response is an awkward shrug of the shoulders, I'm already inwardly cringing at the expressions of disbelief I know I'll receive in return (their thoughts, loud enough to hear, what is wrong with you, what are you thinking?), and a (large, loud) part of me wishes that I had my life together, neatly packaged and ready for send-off into a big, bright future I've sculpted with my bare hands.

But I'm learning to take comfort, in this rather unsettling brand of insanity that is my life. I'm learning to set up my sails and trust the wind that carries me. I'm learning that I love you, but I don't need you, to tell me I'm alright.

I've placed my compass in better Hands.

It's been a long time since I've seen it. And there are moments, stretching painfully long, when my faith wavers. On those dark and desperate nights, I look up with pleading glance, and ask, Where, oh where, am I?

And the stars reply, with their twinkling eyes: Little child, of little faith. Do not fear; you are on course. These waters are drawing you, ever North.

Completely in Love.

"Perfect love casts out fear," (1 John 4:18). 

Whenever I hear this verse discussed, the conversation generally centers solely around God's love for us. Which is not inaccurate--truly, if we could receive God's love perfectly, fear would cease to be even the vaguest of memories. But I think there's something we tend to overlook.

The one who is made complete in love is not simply the one who is loved perfectly, but the one who also loves perfectly. This is what John is screaming through the repetitions in these five chapters, the word as constant as the waves of the sea (love, love, love). The one who does not love cannot claim to know God's love. The only response to a perfect love is to love perfectly in return.

If we genuinely loved the lost, no power in Hell could prevent us from sharing the truth that would bring them into the arms of ultimate joy. If we genuinely loved our brothers and sisters, no petty arguments or hurts could ever stand in the way of us crawling to them on our hands and knees to reconcile their hearts to ours. If we genuinely loved our God, we would obey even the most impossible of commands without the slightest hesitation.

When we love perfectly, the fear will leave, Beloved. Love will scoop that darkness from the hidden hollows of our hearts and fling it far, over our heads and into the sky's vast expanse. Our eyes try to follow, but it has disappeared, swallowed by infinite blue. We have never felt so light.