I don't listen to love songs anymore. I avoid romantic movies, when I can. I scroll quickly through "I <3 him" Facebook statuses and "waiting for a godly man" memes. I cut off imaginings of my future husband. I often fight any feelings of affection for the men in my life. And I stubbornly refuse to "date" or "be in a relationship."
It's not easy. And it's not forever. It's not out of bitterness toward couples--some need to rebel against the culture and charge ahead with a banner declaring my singleness. It's not out of resentment toward men--my respect toward them has only increased, not decreased, in recent months. It's not out of a holier-than-thou mentality that seeks to create rules in order that I might feel better about myself.
No. The reason I'm staying away from romance is because I struggle with it so. It's because this root of my insecurity goes down deep. It's because I've spent years despising my singleness, even hating myself because of it, certain that it was my own irredeemable flaws that left me alone. It's because some part of me still believes that marriage will save me, though my Spirit knows it's a lie. It's because my desire to "fall in love" is an idol I must cast down every day.
It's because my heart is deceitful, and it is always telling me that now is the time love desires to be awakened.
That was why, when I received my second confirmation that now is not the right time, I felt the emotions simultaneously, in equal measure--the disappointment, and the relief.
Because no, this path isn't easy. But it is right.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. -Song of Songs 8:4
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Not-Dear Satan,
You cannot have them. They do not belong to you. I see God in their eyes, feel the tug of His Spirit threading our heart-strings together. We are His sons, His daughters. You have no claim on us; you lost it in a moment, a sliver of time that echoed through eternity, that whisper of the Lamb: It is finished.
Jesus Christ. (Even now, do you feel the urge to bow?) His blood covers us. His Spirit fills us. His authority goes before us. His protection goes behind. His word springs from our lips, alive and active. His love wells up in our hearts, driving out fear.
For many years, we have forgotten. We have been foolish enough to believe your lies. We have been arrogant enough to battle you in our own strength. But no longer. Our Father is restoring the hearts of His children, free from the caskets we covered them in. He is stirring up the ashes of a long-dead flame, the coals set aglow by the taste of His breath. It is a fire many waters cannot hope to quench. It is a fire that burns forever.
We will no longer stand quietly by while you rip our brothers and sisters to bleeding bits. We will no longer back down at the first sign of the fray. Our God is for us, and you will not stand. His seal upon our hearts, upon our arms. His Name, written on our foreheads. (Can you even bear to look?) The victory is ours. Through grace, we are learning how to wield it.
So back the Hell away. Or we'll send all of Heaven after you.
Jesus Christ. (Even now, do you feel the urge to bow?) His blood covers us. His Spirit fills us. His authority goes before us. His protection goes behind. His word springs from our lips, alive and active. His love wells up in our hearts, driving out fear.
For many years, we have forgotten. We have been foolish enough to believe your lies. We have been arrogant enough to battle you in our own strength. But no longer. Our Father is restoring the hearts of His children, free from the caskets we covered them in. He is stirring up the ashes of a long-dead flame, the coals set aglow by the taste of His breath. It is a fire many waters cannot hope to quench. It is a fire that burns forever.
We will no longer stand quietly by while you rip our brothers and sisters to bleeding bits. We will no longer back down at the first sign of the fray. Our God is for us, and you will not stand. His seal upon our hearts, upon our arms. His Name, written on our foreheads. (Can you even bear to look?) The victory is ours. Through grace, we are learning how to wield it.
So back the Hell away. Or we'll send all of Heaven after you.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tall Tails.
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Of course, in the context of the movie, the question is ridiculous. No mouse with any sense in its (admittedly tiny) brain would believe the words of the deceitful cat over the clear evidence set before its own two eyes.
But suddenly I thought of the quote in an altogether different scenario. I heard the words again, and this time they were spoken by the voice of God: Who are you going to believe? Me, or your own eyes?
Because sometimes, the things God asks us to believe are a great deal more far-fetched than a cat claiming to be a rat. But unlike the cat, when God speaks, it is not a charade--it is truth. When God speaks, it is not to hurt us, but to give us life. Paul was so confident in this, he said, "Let God be true, and every human being a liar," (Romans 3:4).
Honestly, now. Do we trust God that much? Over the opinions of every person we love and respect? Over the perceptions of our own senses? Over the reality that we have constructed around ourselves since the day of our birth?
We should. Because God's reality is far truer than our own. His ways soar higher, His thoughts dig deeper (Isaiah 55:8-9). The world we see around us is experienced as if through a glass, darkly, but when we are brought up to Himself, we will see everything as it truly is (1 Corinthians 13:12).
God is calling us to a higher faith. He is calling us to believe Him with everything, regardless of what anyone else says, regardless of our own thoughts or emotions or circumstances.. The rest of the world will call us crazy. They will use words like impossible. But we will not understand, because such words do not exist for us. We are children of the Infinite; there is no impossible for us. We will never say never again.
Friday, April 19, 2013
April Showers.
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." -Psalm 84:5-7
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." -James 5:16-18
"Do idols have the power to bring rain? Does the sky itself have the power to send down showers? No, it is You, LORD our God. You are our only hope, because You are the one who made all these things." -Jeremiah 14:22
"When the heavens are shut up and there is no rain because Your people have sinned against You, and when they pray toward this place and confess Your name and turn from their sin because You have afflicted them, then hear from heaven and forgive the sin of Your servants, Your people Israel. Teach them the right way to live, and send rain on the land You gave Your people as an inheritance." -1 Kings 8:35-36
"Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of My mouth. Let My teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants." -Deuteronomy 32:1-2
"Now listen, O Jacob, My servant, Israel, whom I have chosen. This is what the LORD says--He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, My servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. One will say, 'I belong to the LORD'; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; still another will write on his hand, 'The LORD's,' and will take the name Israel." -Isaiah 44:1-5
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to My people, My chosen, the people I formed for Myself that they may proclaim My praise." -Isaiah 43:19, 20b-21
"The land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end. So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today--to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul--then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains." -Deuteronomy 11:11-14
"I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit." -Leviticus 26:4
"I will rain down bread from heaven for you." -Exodus 16:4
"The Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the desert becomes a fertile field, and the fertile field seems like a forest. Justice will dwell in the desert and righteousness live in the fertile field. The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." -Isaiah 32:15-18
"The remnant of Jacob will be in the midst of many peoples like dew from the LORD, like showers on the grass, which do not wait for man or linger for mankind." -Micah 5:7
"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; they will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God." -Isaiah 35:1-2
"The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of His bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands." -Deuteronomy 28:12
"Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before." -Joel 2:23
"There is the sound of heavy rain." -1 Kings 18:41
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." -James 5:16-18
"Do idols have the power to bring rain? Does the sky itself have the power to send down showers? No, it is You, LORD our God. You are our only hope, because You are the one who made all these things." -Jeremiah 14:22
"When the heavens are shut up and there is no rain because Your people have sinned against You, and when they pray toward this place and confess Your name and turn from their sin because You have afflicted them, then hear from heaven and forgive the sin of Your servants, Your people Israel. Teach them the right way to live, and send rain on the land You gave Your people as an inheritance." -1 Kings 8:35-36
"Listen, O heavens, and I will speak; hear, O earth, the words of My mouth. Let My teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants." -Deuteronomy 32:1-2
"Now listen, O Jacob, My servant, Israel, whom I have chosen. This is what the LORD says--He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, My servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. One will say, 'I belong to the LORD'; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; still another will write on his hand, 'The LORD's,' and will take the name Israel." -Isaiah 44:1-5
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to My people, My chosen, the people I formed for Myself that they may proclaim My praise." -Isaiah 43:19, 20b-21
"The land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end. So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today--to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul--then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains." -Deuteronomy 11:11-14
"I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit." -Leviticus 26:4
"I will rain down bread from heaven for you." -Exodus 16:4
"The Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the desert becomes a fertile field, and the fertile field seems like a forest. Justice will dwell in the desert and righteousness live in the fertile field. The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." -Isaiah 32:15-18
"The remnant of Jacob will be in the midst of many peoples like dew from the LORD, like showers on the grass, which do not wait for man or linger for mankind." -Micah 5:7
"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; they will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God." -Isaiah 35:1-2
"The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of His bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands." -Deuteronomy 28:12
"Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before." -Joel 2:23
"There is the sound of heavy rain." -1 Kings 18:41
Monday, April 15, 2013
(I Need Help).
I've never wanted to be a bother. I don't like asking for help. I'd rather figure things out by myself, struggle on my own, with no one around to watch if I fail. I don't want to be asked questions to which I have no answers. I don't want others to worry; I don't want others to know my weakness.
Following hard after the American dream, we have painted our individualism as a virtue, though from the very beginning God declared, It is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). While He fashioned us into many parts, we were formed to work together (Ephesians 4:16). Our personalized faith has cost us twofold: we not only harm our own spirits as we cut ourselves off from the source of encouragement and wisdom and love found in our brothers and sisters, but we also maim the Body of Christ when we amputate ourselves from the Church, which was designed to function with all its parts.
This is what God is teaching me, and (by His grace--always, by His grace) I am trying to be better.
Last week, I felt the rip-current of the overwhelming tugging my heart out into the deep--tangled blossoms of stress and anxiety curling around my overexerted heart. I didn't have the strength to fight it. Not on my own.
So I texted a friend and asked for prayer. She immediately responded in the affirmative, and as I was leaving my room to do some chores around the house, I caught sight of my iPod on the bookshelf. Jamming the headphones in my ears, I began to listen to my worship playlist as I swept the hallway. In less than a minute, God hit me with such a large dose of joy, I was singing and dancing around the house for hours afterward--even scrubbing grime from the toilet couldn't dampen my mood.
I knew that strength was not from me. It was from a prayer that I didn't even have the power to pray when I needed it. It came from the heart of Christ, coursing down the veins of His Body and into my muscles. It came because I asked for help, and because my sister was listening and answered me, and because this is the way our Father created His family to function. Not with pride and whitewashed faces. But in honesty. In realness. In love.
Following hard after the American dream, we have painted our individualism as a virtue, though from the very beginning God declared, It is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). While He fashioned us into many parts, we were formed to work together (Ephesians 4:16). Our personalized faith has cost us twofold: we not only harm our own spirits as we cut ourselves off from the source of encouragement and wisdom and love found in our brothers and sisters, but we also maim the Body of Christ when we amputate ourselves from the Church, which was designed to function with all its parts.
This is what God is teaching me, and (by His grace--always, by His grace) I am trying to be better.
Last week, I felt the rip-current of the overwhelming tugging my heart out into the deep--tangled blossoms of stress and anxiety curling around my overexerted heart. I didn't have the strength to fight it. Not on my own.
So I texted a friend and asked for prayer. She immediately responded in the affirmative, and as I was leaving my room to do some chores around the house, I caught sight of my iPod on the bookshelf. Jamming the headphones in my ears, I began to listen to my worship playlist as I swept the hallway. In less than a minute, God hit me with such a large dose of joy, I was singing and dancing around the house for hours afterward--even scrubbing grime from the toilet couldn't dampen my mood.
I knew that strength was not from me. It was from a prayer that I didn't even have the power to pray when I needed it. It came from the heart of Christ, coursing down the veins of His Body and into my muscles. It came because I asked for help, and because my sister was listening and answered me, and because this is the way our Father created His family to function. Not with pride and whitewashed faces. But in honesty. In realness. In love.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Dumpster Diving.
The phrase is found in John's account of the feeding of the five thousand, a few simple words spoken by Jesus that are easily overlooked: Let nothing be wasted (John 6:12).
We look with shame at the mistakes of our past, crumple the memories in our hands like a letter for which we could not find the right words, toss it into the trash heap and hope no one goes looking. But the words continue to haunt us, our flaws drawn before our eyes in hues of neon highlighter, and we try to ignore them, try to hide, try to run.
Until we hear God digging through our trash. Our heart sinks at the sound, and we come running. We tug desperately at His arm, pleading, Not that, God, I don't want anyone to see that. But He shakes His head and says, Let nothing be wasted.
He pulls out the scraps of rotting fish, the torn pieces of moldy bread. He turns toward us then, and lifts our tear-brimmed eyes to His own. And we are amazed, because His eyes are filled with love.
He says, Beloved. I have loved you and called you, and I am working all things together for your good. Even the mistakes. Even the pain. Even the sorrow. Why have you thrown it away? The Enemy intended it for evil, but I will make it good. Behold, all things have become new. Nothing will be wasted. Not a single moment. What you see as a meager portion, I am prepared to multiply. What you have in abundance, allow to overflow. I have not missed a single detail; I count every drop of oil that anoints the numbered strands of your hair. I know you, completely, and love you.
I am not a God of waste, Beloved. So stop throwing yourself away.
We look with shame at the mistakes of our past, crumple the memories in our hands like a letter for which we could not find the right words, toss it into the trash heap and hope no one goes looking. But the words continue to haunt us, our flaws drawn before our eyes in hues of neon highlighter, and we try to ignore them, try to hide, try to run.
Until we hear God digging through our trash. Our heart sinks at the sound, and we come running. We tug desperately at His arm, pleading, Not that, God, I don't want anyone to see that. But He shakes His head and says, Let nothing be wasted.
He pulls out the scraps of rotting fish, the torn pieces of moldy bread. He turns toward us then, and lifts our tear-brimmed eyes to His own. And we are amazed, because His eyes are filled with love.
He says, Beloved. I have loved you and called you, and I am working all things together for your good. Even the mistakes. Even the pain. Even the sorrow. Why have you thrown it away? The Enemy intended it for evil, but I will make it good. Behold, all things have become new. Nothing will be wasted. Not a single moment. What you see as a meager portion, I am prepared to multiply. What you have in abundance, allow to overflow. I have not missed a single detail; I count every drop of oil that anoints the numbered strands of your hair. I know you, completely, and love you.
I am not a God of waste, Beloved. So stop throwing yourself away.
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