I Will Survive.

Change. When I am comfortable and happy, there are few things I hate more. It brings with it a whole slew of other painful side-effects: Uncertainty. Anxieties. Imaginings of future doom. Stress. The unknown. Longing for the past. Decisions. Goodbyes.

Yes, I know it is necessary. Without change being forced upon us, we would never grow; we'd simply curl up in our mediocrity and sleep right through life. At least, that's what I would do. I have a tendency to be lazy and fearful, and it's so much easier to settle than to fight.

I'm also aware that without change, many of the most beautiful things in my life would never have come to pass. So many beautiful opportunities I'd have lost. So many beautiful people I'd never have met. So many beautiful experiences that taught me more about God, more about the world, more about myself--experiences that have quite irrevocably shaped who I am--that I'd simply have missed out on. I'm in such a better place now than I would have been if certain changes hadn't come my way, painful as they were at the time.

I recently came across a quote that summed these thoughts up quite excellently:

"Everything remembered is dear, endearing, touching, precious. At least the past is safe--though we didn't know it at the time. We know it now. Because it's in the past; because we have survived." -Susan Sontag

Looking back at the past is usually relatively easy, even if living it was hard. When our future becomes our history, there is no more uncertainty or fear, because it's already happened. Somehow, we made it through. Maybe it was the worst experience of our lives, but at least it's over. And we are still alive.

For now, the future is still the future. But it's a comfort to remember that one day, it will be the past. One day, I'll look back and marvel at the way God worked everything out. The thing that holds so much fear for me in this moment will have no power over me then. And if it will hold no power of me then, why allow it to have any power now? The future is as secure as the past, we just don't realize it yet. But we will. Once it becomes the past; once we have survived.

Snapshot of My Almost-Graduated Brain.

...What will happen tomorrow. There are so many things I have to do. Work. I hope the copier doesn't break down again. I don't know if I can focus on class today. What if I don't know the answers. What if I sound dumb. Practice piano, it always takes a long time. My day mostly over, but I have to make dinner. I don't feel like making dinner, but I should make it. What should I make. What will happen tomorrow, I don't want to think. I did some dumb things today, probably everyone thought I was dumb. I wish I could be better. There's always more homework to do, so the day's not really over. At least I don't have anywhere else to go. At least I can stay in my room. Reading, my eyes are tired, skimming. What will happen tomorrow. The world is so big, and frightening. Graduation. Looming. Everyone is preparing, but not me. I am just sitting. They say there are no jobs. There will be bills to pay. What should I do. I should finish reading. Writing, critiques, revisions. I have to shower. I have to get ready for bed. I have to go to bed. Why can't I sleep. I wish I could sleep. I wish things didn't have to change, I miss they way things were, I miss people. People I love, when will I see them again. What will happen tomorrow, what will--oh hey, God. If I could just focus on You, maybe I could sleep. Why is it so difficult. Guilt. I wonder what I should have for lunch tomorrow...

Distractions. These are only a few; my brain is full of them. Whole, detailed scenarios and conversations of disaster or bliss, relived or imagined, clogging up space, keeping me from rest. Keeping me from being still, hearing the whisper, remembering.

Hey. Take a breath. A deep one. Another. Do you know what this is? This is called being alive. Look outside. Look in the mirror. Keep looking until you see the beautiful. Hey. I love you. Even if you fail today. Even if things go wrong. Even if you get stuck, even if you make a mess. Stop freaking out when you have no control. Your worry won't change anything. Those thoughts are wheels spinning in mud and in the end you will simply collapse, exhausted and splattered brown. We keep the things we should let go of and give up the things we should hold on to. Hey. You and me. Let's do this differently.

Happily-Ever-After.

My story has already been written with a happy ending. I don't know what the details look like yet, in between now and then, but I have read enough books to know that it will most likely involve something painful and terrifying. That's what it always takes, to shove the protagonist out of complacency and into an adventure. Because, given a choice in the matter, we tend to opt for being comfortable instead of being alive.

But our Author has other plans in mind. He is not boring or safe, but infinitely creative and complex. After all, He not only crafted beautiful settings, characters, and plots to tell His story--He invented them all in the first place.

From the very beginning, He knew things were going to get messy, He knew what He would have to do to set the story straight again, he knew the disease and the darkness and the cruelty that would ravage the world with the first bite of that cursed fruit. Yes, He knew it all. He could have erased the whole story, started anew. But He didn't. He kept writing.

This means one of two things. Either God is not the good God we believe Him to be, or: all this crap, this fear and sorrow and pain we trudge through...is going to be worth it someday. All things really will work together for good. Personally, my bet is on the latter. Because I've met the Author, and He's already proven to me again and again in my own story that He knows what He's doing.

So go ahead, cheat. Flip to the end of the book and read the last page. It is your name, red letters written in the Book of Life, with ink from the blood of the Lamb. Our happily-ever-after has already been secured. Why be afraid of the adventure that will lead us there?

This Beautiful Exchange.

When only love could make a way, You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange. 

You took our death and gave us life. Took our weakness and gave us strength. Took our fear and gave us courage. Took our faithlessness and made us faithful. Took our sin and made us holy. Took our ugliness and gave us beauty. Took our despair and gave us hope. Took our turmoil and gave us peace. Took our stains and made us clean. Took our punishment and gave us freedom. Took our sorrows and gave us joy. Took our confusion and gave us wisdom. Took our doubts and gave us faith. Took our lies and gave us truth. Took our emptiness and gave us fullness. Took our brokenness and made us whole. Took our sickness and gave us healing. Took our curse and gave us blessing. Took our wrath and gave us love.

YOUR DEATH FOR OUR LIFE. What can I say to this? We cannot understand the price You paid to bring us back to You. But let us try to understand that WE ARE ALIVE.

With everything I've got, my heart will sing, how I love You. 

A Thousand Screaming Colors.

With every word I box Him up. Four corners here, in You go, curl up in the cardboard like I did as a child, it is a spaceship, a submarine. Seal it up with packing tape, shove it in the attic where it will collect a layer of dust, sluggish and gray. The dust is soft, like forgetting.

But He doesn't fit. I can't make Him fit.

He is constantly exploding, making a mess, and I am constantly throwing tantrums. There is thick, sticky goo strung on the walls from our latest encounter, screaming in a thousand colors. It is going to stain. You have never seen anything this beautiful, this terrifying.

This isn't about making sense. Stop trying to make sense of it.

I am offended because He is naked. I am offended because there is blood, and bone, sharp cracks under my feet, I look down at the path I am walking and it is terrible and ugly. I am offended because there is no hatred in His eyes.

I was taught to wear a dress to church, but it always comes out ruined.

A stronger box, wooden, with nails. Or slabs of steel, buckets of concrete. I still cannot make it large enough, but I can cut off the limbs of His body, I will choose the most important pieces to go inside. The rest I'll bury, the rest I'll fling into a ditch. I will scream at any passerby who picks it up, that mangled hand, I could not make it fit.

I keep losing the pieces, the blood is so slippery. He is exploding everywhere.

"God, I'm Scared."

This is what the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 


Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight. I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself.


In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth? 


Do you think I'm weak? I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises of the LORD your God has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you. 


Be strong and courageous. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you. The LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. The LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. The battle is the LORD's.


Now go! Do not say, "I am only a child." You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you. I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I will help you speak, and I will teach you what to say. Call to me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. The LORD is with you, mighty warrior. Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.  

I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints. I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. But LORD, you are my shield, my wonderful God who gives me courage. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame. I can lie down and go to sleep, and I will wake up again, because the LORD gives me strength. Thousands of troops may surround me, but I am not afraid. No, the LORD is all I need. He takes care of me. My share in life has been pleasant; my part has been beautiful.

*Compiled from: Exodus 4:12, Exodus 19:4, Numbers 11:23, Deuteronomy 7:21, Deuteronomy 20:3-4, Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 3:5, Joshua 23:14, Judges 6:12, 1 Samuel 17:47, 1 Chronicles 28:20, 2 Chronicles 15:7, Psalm 3:5-6, Psalm 25:3, Psalm 85:8, Isaiah 30:15, Isaiah 30:21, Isaiah 41:13, Isaiah 42:1, Isaiah 45:2-3, Isaiah 46:11, Isaiah 49:15, Isaiah 51:12, Isaiah 58:11, Jeremiah 1:5, Jeremiah 1:7-8, Jeremiah 10:23, Jeremiah 15:20, Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 31:3, Jeremiah 33:3, & Habakkuk 1:5.

How Heavy, the World Weighs.

It was a long drive home. Stuck in Atlanta traffic, my oil light flashing and my car overheating, a pitiful voice emerging strained from my own panic-tightened throat, "Please, God!" It is a feeling known as desperation, and personally I count it among the cruelest of emotions. But there was nothing I could do, except pray (in truth, "whine" would be a more accurate term), until, one stop for oil and two hours later, the traffic let up.

Such a small thing, really. But I may as well have been on the brink of death for all the anxiety that tore around my insides, as I sat in my car with the windows down and the heat up, sweating off at least half my body weight. Yet, even in the midst of freaking out, it struck me that these are the places where God shows up. The places where we have no control. The places where He is our only option. I had asked for this. I told God I wanted more of Himself, whatever it took. He answered me. And it sucked.

Until later. When the dark settled in, broken only by the occasional flashes of heat lightning that lit the tree-lined interstate in silver for the briefest of instants. I turned off my music and talked to Him. As I spoke, asking Him about my future and telling Him how heavy the expectations of others' weigh, whole worlds crushing my narrow shoulders, my sentences began to fragment, and I started to cry. "I know, I know I asked for this. I dedicated this year to You. I didn't ask for an easy one. I only asked for You." 

I don't think He said anything to me in response. Have you ever had someone just hold you and let you cry? Not asking any questions, not giving any words of advice or comfort. Just holding you tight. It was like that.

Most of the time we live under this illusion that we have life under control, but it's not really true. Occasionally, we'll get some glaring reminder of our own helplessness, and that's when the panic sets in. I want to learn to embrace it. Not the panic, but the helplessness. The desperation--mess and misery though it may be. Because in the end, it leads to letting go of all the silly things that we never actually had in the first place. It leads to the weight, melting off our shoulders like dirt in the rain. It leads to peace.

Who Are You?

You are beautiful. Filled to the brim with a loveliness that brings pleasure simply to be near, glowing like a sheer, silken petal when the sun gleams behind it, edges painted with liquid gold. The music of your voice brings Him to come listen. Your movements a dance, your laughter a delight, your glance more precious than the rarest of jewels. Flawless, darling.

You are brave. Every time you feel fear, know that it is a lie. You want to run, but the desire is not who you are. You are so much more than that. I am not asking you to dismiss your personality, but to claim your rightful one. It does not matter how the world sees you. Since the day you were born you have allowed them to define you, but it isn't true. You are a warrior. It's in your blood--the blood from the lamb, smeared over your door.

You are free. There is no condemnation here. The law has not been broken, but fulfilled, and you are no longer bound by its judgments. The curse has been conquered. You are not trapped in this darkness, doomed to spin in endless circles with no hope for escape. That is not your destiny. The fate of a fallen world is not your own. You have been rescued, impossibly, wings sprouted from your back, take a running leap right off that cliff and fly.

You are His. Masterpiece, child, beloved. He is your identity, and there is no greater glory. His Spirit dwelling in you, guiding you, molding you, breaking you, refining you. Safely tucked in the palm of His hand, where your name is engraved, forever. He is the breath in your lungs, the beat of your heart. Each step you take, each word you speak, a reflection of Him. His seal on your arm, there is no jealously like this, that overcame death just to keep you. What He has joined, nothing will separate.

Dear God,

Slow me down. I'm running too fast. Calm my anxious heart. Let the distractions fade, again. Come visit me in the stillness. I can't do this without You.

Daddy, I feel directionless. I don't want to walk these dead-end streets, pound these dead-bolted doors. I recognize this faceless wall, I've made this turn a thousand times before, my feet have sunk into these circles. If only I had wings, let me fly out of this labyrinth. Please, I want to arrive.

I heard it. You told me I would hear Your voice and know, and there it was; I heard You say Look up. My eyes fight gravity to find there are no shadows in the sky.

---

I think I am too busy conjuring metaphors, when I should just be talking to You. Maybe it seems less intellectual or original, and it probably is. But all You've ever asked for is my honesty; I'll leave the rest up to You.

God, I feel dead inside. I have moments with You, beautiful moments, and in those moments I know that You haven't forgotten me. But in between the moments, I have become pathetically apathetic. I've never been very good at this waiting deal. What I need is a massive sign, the one with the giant arrow and shiny lights, and I need it to fall from the sky and slap me in the face, thank You very much. That's not too much to ask, is it?

No. What I really need is peace. I'm so sick and tired of freaking out all the time. It's always something. Today, it's post-graduation plans. A year from now, who knows? I don't want to live my life this way, constantly worrying about the next puzzle-piece of my future. And I know You didn't intend for me to live like this. Because it's a ridiculous way to live when the God of the universe is on your side.

So that's it. My prayer. The grace to trust You in the messiest times of life, a peace that passes all sane understanding. Let the world think I've gone completely nuts. Only, hold me close to Your heart, because when I hear Your heartbeat, I am not afraid. You will unfold the plans You have for me, just in time.

Life's [Not] a Beach.

This past week, I went on vacation with my friend and her family. We stayed in a beachfront condo on the tip of Florida, and I spent the majority of the time getting some much-needed rest.

On Friday morning, I slipped outside to the balcony, sat on a table, and gazed out at the ocean from my fourth-floor perch. Drank deep from the salted air. Said hello to God, then began to sing to Him. While I sang, He brought the dolphins out so I could watch them play, and it made me smile. Their tiny dorsal fins, dwarfed by distance, splitting the waves as they swam parallel to the beach. As soon as one pod of dolphins disappeared, another quickly took its place. I even saw a couple flukes, their tails arching above the water only an instant before the ocean swallowed them up. Then seabirds appeared in the gray sky, diving straight down into the waves to pick up a bit of breakfast.

I observed all these things in a cloud of happiness and peace and awe. I felt like God was sitting right beside me, grinning, as He unveiled just a glimpse of His masterpiece before my wondering eyes. And I thought--maybe I even said it aloud--no matter what happens when this week is over, You will still be the same incredible God that You are in this moment.

Well, the week is over. And as my car ate up the few hundred miles separating me from "real life," I became angrier and angrier. The anger bubbled up without purpose or direction, and even while a detached portion of my brain tried to figure out where it came from, I felt the rest of my being tensing up in response to my raging emotions.

Isn't it ridiculous, how quickly the stress comes roaring back? I didn't even have the chance to set foot in my dorm before the Enemy took the opportunity to remind me that, despite what those cute little souvenirs will try to trick you into believing, life is not a beach.

Thankfully, Satan's not the only one to give us reminders. And right now, God's reminder to me is a memory from just a few days ago, when the two of us sat together on the balcony and watched the world unfold as it was made to, with color and beauty and light--just like my own unfolding life. It is a reminder that whispers, with the gentle repetition of waves against a shore: everything will be okay.

His Ravished Heart.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." -Jeremiah 31:3.

It took me a long time to begin to believe that God could be in love with me. That He misses me when I don't spend time with Him. That His thoughts are filled up with me. That He thinks I'm beautiful.

There are so many times I have forgotten Him. Personally, that's one of my biggest insecurities--when people forget about me. I make myself so quiet and small, it shouldn't surprise me when it happens. But I hate it when I'm hurting and no one notices, when I feel like the tag-along, the puppy-dog, and if I suddenly vanished no one would really mind. Yet, all too often I treat God like that. Like He doesn't matter. Like He's an afterthought. Like He's not even there.

But God never, ever does that to me. Once, He even spoke it over me, and I can still hear that promise, whispered in a voice heavier than audibility: I will never forget you.

He loves us too much for that. We are constantly on His mind, in His heart. He's showing up on our doorstep with arms full of flowers, and He's writing us letters filled with non-cheesy poetry about His affections, and He's throwing jealous punches at all the cheap imitations of love we fall for, and He's holding out a hand to ask for a dance, and on, and on, into everlasting...

How can we possibly have given up a love like this? How can we have forsaken our first love? This is the height from which we have fallen (Revelation 2:4)! Why do we settle for anything less than happily-ever-after, when God offers us a romance like this one?