Day at the Zoo.

I went to the zoo yesterday. It had been awhile since my last visit, and I absolutely love it. I've been enthralled with animals ever since I was little. My big brother and I watched every animal show on television we could find, along with reading Zoobooks, collecting as many stuffed animal toys as we possibly could, and writing and illustrating stories spilling over with our furry, scaley, and feathery friends.

Though my animal-obsession has lessened over the years, animals still hold a very special place in my heart. There's just something about watching these creatures who are so different from us, yet live and move and breathe on this planet we both call home. And what's even more startling and beautiful, is the way they speak about the Creator who is theirs as well as ours.

Sometimes, I think the plants and animals and rocks do a better job of praising God than we do, with all our fancy words and extravagant shows. Walking into a church at random, I know there's a chance I might find God there. But set me on a mountaintop, with the sky stretching far up overhead, traced by the wingtips of an eagle whose scream sears the silence, and I know I will undoubtedly feel the Presence of God pressing down on me. No word needs to be spoken. Just standing, marveling in the midst of His creation, this fragile echo of Himself, and I know I will find Him there.

Human beings are a bit more complicated. Ironic, that the very creatures made in the image of God are often the ones who display it most poorly. Yet, there is something wonderful even in this. For the greater our weakness, the greater His glory.

That is why "creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God," (Romans 8:19-21).

Isn't it a beautiful story? Though we were fallen creatures, God has made us new. And now He calls us, through the power of His Spirit, to bring freedom to the world, that all of creation may worship Him together.

I Don't Know.

Let me let you in on a little secret: I don't have this figured out.

There are some things I believe as much as breathing. There are some things I am learning to believe. And there are some things I don't know if I believe at all.

It is important to me that the things I believe are true. Because we base our lives upon what we believe. I know what it's like to live in lies, and I know what it's like to experience truth; I very much prefer the latter. But sometimes, it's hard to sort out which is which. Life is complicated that way.

It gives me comfort that we don't have to know everything, that "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known," (1 Corinthians 13:12). Yes, it can be difficult, because I am a person who likes to know all the right answers. Still, it's a freedom, knowing it's okay if I don't have them. Knowing it's okay to fall deep down into the mystery.

We may not have all the answers, but we have the ones that matter--I can feel it in the faith that settles thick in my gut, the knowledge that the world says is not knowledge at all, and it is impossible to explain. These words are too small to explain.

Just like. I cannot explain why my heart is so heavy. But I think it is for you.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas.

I think one reason I love Christmas so much is, it gives me an excuse to be happy. An excuse to get excited. An excuse to give stuff away. An excuse to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. An excuse to share smiles with strangers. An excuse to make the ordinary beautiful, and revel in that beauty. An excuse to thank God for wrapping divinity in flesh, for that piercing infant scream that was His whisper to the universe, I am with you.

It makes me wonder: Why do we need an excuse? Why do we need a special time of year to love, to give, to celebrate? We talk about the "Spirit of Christmas", but there's a much greater Spirit who lives and moves and breathes in us as God's children every single day. And everything I listed above should be a manifestation of it.

I understand that life is hard. I understand that we get jaded, drained. Believe me, I understand. But instead of viewing Christmas as a once-a-year ordeal, think of it as a reminder of how God intends for His people to live all the time. And no, for you cynics out there, I'm NOT referring to the greed and consumerism that unfortunately undermines the ideal in our society. I'm talking about the peace you feel when you've gathered in the living room with your family, the joy that comes with singing the familiar Christmas tunes that return to the radio like old friends, the unity that rises when you exchange holiday greetings with random passersby.

That's why God gave the Israelites festivals in the Old Testament, such as the Passover--to serve as a reminder, of both His goodness in the past and His promises for the future. To inspire them to keep pressing on, regardless of the twists and turns on this rollercoaster of life. And in Christmas, God has given us this opportunity, also--to remember the beauty of the life He has called us to.

Dear God,

I want to be alive again. I feel as if I broke my wings, tumbled down into a ditch too deep to climb, just as I was finally beginning to learn how to fly. Staring up at this same patch of blue sky, I remember what it tasted like, those few moments of soaring, Your body cradled under mine to keep me aloft.

I can still hear You. I know You have not deserted me here. I have even felt you, rising in me like a flood, curling my mouth into unexpected laughter. I know I am not alone.

But I don't understand why, Daddy. I don't understand what You are teaching me. Am I missing it? Do I wait or move? I have been waiting for so long. I do not know what I am waiting for, but it is all I know to do. Is it wrong? Should I be moving? Where, God? I want to be where You are. So where are You?

You promised to tell me. You said, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it,'" (Isaiah 30:21). That is why I know I do not have to be afraid. That is why, when the weight of the world crushes my frail shoulders, I think of Your face and the burden is lighter, the burden is not even there at all.

I am still learning to ignore my reality and live in Your truth. To be honest, I'm not very good at it, yet. My feelings are strong and used to getting their way, and now that they are too-often jaded and frightened, they mostly fight against me instead of for me.

Change my heart, Lord. Clean out the doubts and the cynicism, the fear and the complacency. I want to love You with all of me. Please, God. Bring me back to life.

The Most Beautiful Song.

"The LORD your God is with you,
     he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
     he will quiet you with his love,
     he will rejoice over you with singing."
                                         -Zephaniah 3:17

If this doesn't bring a smile to your heart, if peace is not seeping through your bones, you missed something. Go back and read that verse again.

Shhh. Put away the distractions for a second. Focus in on what God wants to say to you right now. He is speaking, dear one. Read the verse again and listen. Turn off the computer if you have to, pull out your Bible and find these words tucked away in the Old Testament, this beautiful promise of intimacy from God.

Listen, beloved. Listen. Do you hear Him singing over you?

This is One Roller-Coaster Ride I Haven't Missed.

My first mistake was to assume the pain I felt came solely as a result of the Enemy's attacks. No, I wasn't completely off; any sign of vulnerability or weakness on our part, and Satan will most definitely attempt to exploit it. Still, the past few days, when his attacks began to come on strong, I thought my job was merely to defend. To put up the shield and wait for the pounding to stop.

But last night, God spoke to me in a moment of stillness. He impressed thoughts upon me, thoughts like, Do you know where this pain is coming from, Daughter? This pain is from old wounds. Wounds that are now being given the opportunity to heal. Healing in itself is a painful process. It is your choice where you go from here. You can relive the past. Or you can be healed from it.

And it gave me such freedom. In that moment, I suddenly realized (well, remembered) that I wasn't doomed to repeat the past. I don't have to relive the same cycle of pain, just because certain circumstances in my life today parallel circumstances in my past that scarred me. I am being given a new day. I am being given the chance to do things the right way, to take what I have learned in the past and use it in the present, to trust God and keep Him at the center of my life when before I allowed myself to be distracted, caught up in my own insecurities.

I feel I am on the brink of a change too big and strange for me to even believe. I am not trying to be vague, but I hardly understand myself, yet. I don't know what it looks like. I only know it is something beautiful. That's what brought the smile to my face last night, with no one but God around to see. Because the circumstances don't matter anymore. I don't have to worry about the future, agonize over other people's choices and how they will affect me, encase my emotions in a bullet-proof wall to keep them safe. Whatever happens next, God is ready to transform into something great.

The circumstances that once turned you into a wreck will now reveal My power in you. Just keep your eyes on Me, dear one. That's what He's trying to say, I think. That's the best way I can explain it. And it gives me confidence. It gives me the strength to fight the Enemy all the more. My God has given me the opportunity for a different ending, a better one. And I'm going to fight for it.

I share this for two reasons. The first is for myself. To help me remember, because I am so quick to forget things, even the very words of God. The second is, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. These cyclic struggles, circumstances that crop up again and again, issues that Satan continues to bring up relentlessly, sometimes daily. Others don't reappear for years--but when it does reappear, you remember it at once, and the old pain returns. If you can identify with this at all, I believe God wants you to know something. He wants you to know that there is a better ending for you. And it's worth fighting for.

Sought, Pursued, Beloved.

We use a lot of terminology in the Christian church that has to do with pursuing God. "Running after" Him, "seeking" Him, "chasing" Him, "fighting for" Him. Which are all beautiful and true images, in their appropriate context.

But I get tired. I love God, I love Him the very best way that I know how, but I get tired, running after Him all the time. That was why I felt such relief, such immense, trembling relief, when someone once said to me: "All this time, you thought you were chasing after God. But you're wrong. God has been chasing you." 

It's there. At the very heart of our Bible, it's there. The story of a God who is passionately pursuing His people. A God who says, "Therefore I am going to allure [Israel, My chosen people, the Church]; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her," a God who whispers to us, "Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me," a God who assures us, "[I] will fight for you; you need only be still," (Hosea 2:14; Song of Songs 2:13; Exodus 14:14).

The only reason we have the desire to seek Him is because He sought us first. The only reason we can even attempt to love is because He loved us first. He is not running away from us, He is not hiding in the shadows, laughing as we wander around in circles crying out to Him in desperation. He longs to be with us. That's why He promises when we seek Him with all our hearts, He will be found. Because that's what He's wanted all along.

It's always been God. He is the Initiator, the Pursuer, the Lover. He is the one who searched for us and found us when we were lost in the darkness, cradling us to His breast even as we bleated and kicked, scrambling to get away. He's the one who takes us back, again and again, after we have thrown our lives away to money and other people's opinions and a thousand other trivialities.

Isn't it a comfort? To know that, on those days we feel like we just don't have the strength to pursue God, He's already got us in His hands. To know that we don't have to be "good enough". And what's more, to know that God has made us worth pursuing! God looked down from heaven and chose us. Looked down and said, "You are worth fighting for." We are worth it because God is willing to do whatever it takes. So no matter what belittling lies Satan tries to come against us with, there is nothing he can do to lessen our immeasurable worth in the eyes of the One who paid the ultimate price for our souls.

Rest in that, beloved. Don't give up, because God hasn't. He won't stop chasing after you.

Barefootedness is Next to Godliness.

Really, it all started for the sake of comfort. Around the time when worship started to move me. I mean, literally move me. I used to be content standing still when I sang to God, but I find that almost impossible now. Also, though I know it's not necessary, I tend to dress up for church on Sunday mornings, and that occasionally means wearing heels. Heels are not comfortable at the best of times--and neither standing nor swaying to music would I consider to be the best of times. So one day, I simply slipped my shoes off before we stood to sing. In fact, I kept them off the entire service, including when I went down the aisle to the altar to pray.

I'm not sure how many times I did this before the thought occurred to me. And by "the thought occurred to me", I mean that God reached His hand down and waved it in front of my face, probably saying something along the lines of, "Hellooooo? Yeah, it's Me. God. Pay attention. I have something beautiful to tell you." The thought He gave me was of Moses, and his encounter with a certain fiery bush, and a certain God who spoke these words from inside it: "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground," (Exodus 3:5).

Not gonna lie. I thought it was pretty cool, knowing I had a bare-footed buddy right there in the Bible. And I felt that wonderful and terrifying shiver of awe when God whispered to me, in the midst of the music and the noise: The place where you are standing is holy ground.

And it's true, isn't it? As a people made holy by the Spirit living in us, every step we tread is made upon holy ground. This is not to say that I walk around barefoot everywhere, because I don't. But every time I do slip my shoes off before coming into His Presence in worship, it reminds me of that holiness. It reminds me of how big He is, how beautiful. It makes me forget to breathe for a second. The God who molded the universe in His hands is here. Maybe we can't comprehend it, but I think we should try more often. Because I believe, if we got just a tiny glimpse of that flame, our world would never be the same.